What to do when your child’s friend says, “I don’t like you”
Q: I have noticed instances when my 5 ½-year-old’s preschool friends say, “I don’t like you anymore” or “I’m not your friend anymore.” It seems like these statements come out of nowhere, but they upset my son.
Is this normal conversation at this age? What can I do so my son doesn’t feel devastated when this happens?
A: It is typical for children of that age to use the line “I don’t like you.” Really, the child is saying, “I don’t like what you did.” Children often use the “I don’t like you” line when they aren’t getting their way.
Describe the situation for your son. “Your friend didn’t like that you wouldn’t play Spider-Man the way he would like, but I know that he still likes you.”
Social interactions between young children are not sophisticated. Kids are frank and not skilled when it comes to managing the variety of situations that occur when two children play together. It takes lots of practice, maturity and experience to learn how to get along with others while trying to have one’s own needs met at the same time.
The amazing thing about a statement like “I don’t like you anymore” is that the next day, or even the next minute, the children are often back to playing.
If your son is devastated by a friend’s remark, empathize with him by saying, “I bet you feel sad that he said that,” then put the situation in proper perspective for him with, “He likes you; he just didn’t like what you did.”
This form of support will teach your child not to take such incidents to heart and will offer him courage to keep playing and working through the complex situations that result in friendship.
Q: My sixth-grade daughter witnessed a bullying situation on the school bus when a sixth-grade boy was pushing a kindergartner around. She stepped in and told him to stop it. The bully backed off, and now she sits next to the kindergartner on the bus to protect him. While I’m proud of my daughter, I fear that the bully will target her next. What should I do?
A: The likelihood is great that this bully will not victimize your daughter. Bullies possess an instinct for picking on the slightly different, defenseless child who is physically weak, timid, anxious, sensitive, shy or unpopular. Your daughter is assertive; bullies don’t victimize assertive peers because they know they won’t succeed. They intuitively know that students like your daughter will stand up to them or go to an adult for help.
Most children are neither victims nor bullies. Most are bystanders like your daughter. Unfortunately, most bystanders do nothing. Parents can encourage children who witness bullying to step in and stop the incident if they feel they’re able, or to alert the bus driver, teacher or principal, who will step in for them.
Bullies typically are sugary sweet to adults; their tactics emerge when left without adult supervision. That’s why schools need to engage the silent majority by encouraging bystanders to not turn a blind eye when they see bullies unmercifully teasing or jeering a victim or, worse yet, pushing the victim around.
Even though there are laws and rules against bullying at school, they don’t appear to be enough. Children who tattle on bullies need to be rewarded for doing so. There needs to be a pervading anti-bullying spirit in schools where teachers, parents and principals work daily to keep this spirit intact.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists